Sitting here at my computer, I am forced to come face to face with my demons. The decisions I have made over the last ten years that have led me to where I am at this very moment. Broke. Alone. Overeducated yet underemployed. STILL living at home. Single mom. Where did it all go left? Was it ever right?
I’m sure someone can relate to the feeling of inadequacy when everyone else around you is seemingly at their peak, and you feel like a failure. Yet you don’t dare speak those words aloud because you have to be strong. And even if you could, to whom would you speak them? Instagram is not too keen on photos of you in your bedroom taking selfies with your dog. Not when everyone else is posting pictures of their Parisian adventures, magazine-worthy Airbnb rentals, or kids frolicking in the sand in Jamaica. So you keep your feelings of inadequacy inside and try to focus on what matters most.
She Keeps Me Going
For me, it is my daughter, “Little”. She keeps me going, challenges me, inspires me, and completely changed my life when she came into the world 8 years ago. Prior to having my daughter, I was not a kid person. Come to think of it, I’m still not. My pregnancy was unplanned (one of the not-so-great decisions I previously mentioned), but I embraced the idea of being a mommy. Our new family of four (including the dog) moved to a new city, and started a new chapter.
For the next two years, things were good. Or so I thought. Before I knew it, the dog had died, Little’s dad decided our relationship was not working and moved several states away, and I was left raising a 2-year old alone. Huh? What? None of this was a part of the plan. But plans change. And so did my focus. I decided to put my daughter first. That every decision I made would be in her best interest, even if it meant forsaking me own. I did not want her to have to pay for my mistakes. So I go a new dog, moved back to my childhood home in Miami, and started over.
But now I am stuck. And I have been for the past 5 years. Though life continues around me, I feel like I’m in the same exact place I was 5 years ago. Except I am five years older (and wiser?) and Little is thriving. Ultimately, that’s what I wanted, right?